A Horrible Freak of Nature
by ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: Dib and Gaz are dead at the Professor's hands, and he decides to do a slightly fun experiment with their genes. Note the extreme nerdiness in the first chapter, so it's free to be skipped if you don't really want to read it.
1. Thinking Up

Two people, brother and sister, stared with a blank sight of their shut eyes at the dark, lifeless laboratory in a dark, lifeless building, while inside a liquid-solid stereotypical to evil laboratories, were the building they were housed an evil laboratory, which it was not. One who, when depicted as messaging someone, would be a gray neutral face, the other one a white skull. One with the black scythe-shaped hair slowly gaining a zigzag shape, the other with purple hair which looked as if it was going to enclose itself within a wireframe cube within few years.

Dib and Gaz Membranes, the only two kids of a certain world-renowned scientist, were now dead at his hands, and he didn't know what precisely to do with them.

Their father was well-known throughout the Earth, and, as no other sentient life had been found elsewhere, the Solar System. He was practically the god of the planet. Without him, Earth would now be a military development planet belonging to some spanning empire somewhere unknown in the universe. But now it was known as the only civilization that survived as a single planet and wasn't touched by anyone.

But while the Professor could save the Earth, he could not save Dib and Gaz, and the following showed.

He first thought about simply reviving them. That would reverse everything as if it never happened, and would be a solution, but then Professor remembered how Dib always chased after anyone who even remotely resembled the paranormal and Gaz always had stuck in her game console... Game Slave 2? 3D? Pray Station? Professor didn't want to search his memories for the answer to know that simply resurrecting them won't work.

Then he was hit with an idea.

What if he somehow combined them, keeping only the personality traits that he favored and getting rid of those which wouldn't be as great for a person almost always near him, if not literally, then at least spiritually?

He thought it was just the perfect idea that a mad scientist would employ, even though Professor wasn't really a mad scientist, and went on the work.

First he sketched out how the idea would look on paper. Even though he wasn't a very good artist, Professor had something in mind. Someone with Dib's coal black hair spike going up and purple branches from it, well branching, like a tree or Gaz's haircut, with a trench coat that Dib had but purple and the... whatever Gaz's arms were covered with but blue, and their Pesterchum or whatever symbol would be somehow combined. As for the gender of this kid, the genes had to decide it.

Thinking that the result satisfied him, Professor sketched out how it would be done. He would need a DNA sample that worked out, then a teenager's body (he had quite remembered that when the car crash where Dib and Gaz died happened, Dib was 15 and Gaz was 14) that he would piece together from the new cells with this DNA, then the sketched out clothing and hair style, and then he could simply turn this horrible freak of a nature on and voila, the Professor has a child that loves him to the deepest degree. Again.

He first thought of the first part of a plan. When humans normally mate and have children, their chromosomes mix together and from them comes a new set of 46 chromosomes, that later are the driving force of the development of a new human. But here, in a laboratory, separate genes and the 97% of the DNA that is used nowhere can be mixed in any way, as long as the new set of 46 chromosomes that technically doesn't have "parents" yields a functional human without six fingers on each hand.

The Professor needed to either have an already developed process of mixing the genes in this way, or make him himself.

He went around searching first, since that was _probably_ going to save some time, even though the process described above sounded like science fiction and the Professor was the only master of _science fiction_ on Earth. And, as it turned out, the Internet wasn't helpful: there only was a "Descendant Generator" on MSPA Forums which combined the colors of the two given people. The Professor put in the colors that codified Dib and Gaz, and got an oddly dark blue as a result, and painted the designed symbol in this new color.

Then he started programming a gene mixer himself.

Dib's and Gaz's entire genetic code was known already. The Professor had decoded it practically when the kids were born. What was really the thing to it was figuring out what specifically which genes did. He had noted what personality traits of Dib and Gaz he favored and what he despised. Dib had a thing for making cool technology, just like the Professor himself, but was extremely paranoid and even had gotten in a couple of lawsuits that the Professor remembered. Gaz was fairly level-headed, but could easily become obsessed, a thing which never allowed her to do something satisfying that didn't relate to video games.

_It was going to be a long endeavor, but the result would be worth it,_ Professor reminded himself, but had to pause on the project as someone else called him, again cluttering up his busy itinerary. For this project, he would need to reject as much meetings as he could, and instead publish his new project on the news with his faithful spokesman.

* * *

><p><em>Author's idiotisms: Note that by "a horrible freak of nature" I don't mean "what will turn out from the mixture of Dib and Gaz's genes". By "a horrible freak of nature" I mean "a story combining the worst properties of the rivalries-on-top-of-each-other story Division of Doom and a trollfic probably made on crack, even though I don't smoke crack, Invader Zim: Born Again Christian Tie-In to Chapter 7".<em>


	2. A Deadly Threat

Ms. Bitters was playing around with a can full of peas, everyone dead bored of her lessons, it being as if there was no class, and she was delivering a lesson to a wall.

"Imagine this can of peas represents our stinky classroom. Well, it's _less_ stinky now that Dib isn't here, but it's still stinky."

She took one pea out of it, and dropped it in again.

"Until now, we followed a rigid rule. One student, to be doomed, in, one student, already tired of his or her doom, out. But now, it's time for something original."

She took two peas out of the can and started squishing them together into one ball.

"Recently, two people left our school. One from this classroom, another being his sister."

Zim stood up on his table.

"Hooray for the Dib-stink being gone! Now I can show to you that..."

"You're crazy?" Keef gave him a weird look.

"I'm normal! And you're supposed to be my _friend_ so I can _prove_ I'm normal!"

"Sit down." Ms. Bitters glared at Zim with a deadly look, and he immediately sit down.

"So, as I was saying, two people left, and then their parental figure decided that having two children was too annoying."

She dropped the newly made one pea back, and it splatted.

"So he made one, from what they were. And this horrible mutation of a child has, out of all places that she could have chosen, decided to choose _this_ classroom to present herself. Please welcome the one and never two, newly _manufactured_ Membrane daughter!" Ms. Bitters gave everyone a sarcastic applaud, and the girl, which looked somewhat like what Professor had imagined with the dark purple hair spike going up, sat down in the place where Dib once was.

The spider lady that wasn't Vriska proceeded to teach the rest of the lesson. As the bell ring ended her monologue, Zim was the first to confront the new student.

"So, Dib-and-his-sibling-fusion! Still thinking the almighty _Zim_ is an alien?"

"Yes," what Zim remembered as Gaz's voice said, and Zim gave a thought to this. _Both_ Dib _and_ Gaz knew Zim was an alien, so their fusion should also think that, and hence the question was pointless.

Zim watched as the one and never two enemies walked back to the Dib-stink's home to draw a sinister plan of how Zim was burning down within seconds of now or something. Zim wasn't a person with imagination, only being able to imagine him presiding over the Earth, and didn't think what the new enemy was up to.

He instead went back to his house, being subjected to Gir's ever-eternal stupidity and Computer's fabrication of reality that weren't forwarding his mission. If it weren't for these two key elements, Zim _certainly_ would be the lord of humans by now. The mission was just reversing itself.

Zim went to the underground portion of his base, and gave a call to the Tallest. _They_ would know what the hell is going on.

"My Tallest? Recently two stinky humans that were stopping my mission disappeared-"

"Then you should be the lord of humans! _Ha! _Proof you're a defect!" Red immediately noticed the lack of logic in Zim's sentence.

"Aren't you supposed to be gathering snacks for how we watch the cannon sweep taking control of yet another planet?" Purple called offscreen.

"Snacks? Oh yeah. Invader Zim, speak as if it was a pre-recorded message, and we'll be sure to answer!" Red also disappeared from the camera's sight, and Zim started talking.

"Recently the Dib-stink and his sibling disappeared, and when they came back, they were not two, but _one!_ Does human technology even _allow_ that? Perhaps there is an Irken equivalent to this? I think there is, but could you tell _precisely_ what it is? Oh, well, the almighty _Zim_ is talking to himself again. Invader Zim, signing off." Zim shut off the transmission and went back to the main house.

Unsurprisingly enough, Gir had torn off a piggie's head and his dog suit's body, and glued them to be one.

"_Gir!_ How are you going to disguise yourself _now?_" Zim had a demanding look on his Irken eyes.

"I made what Professor did to Dib and Gazzy!" Gir was being hyperactive, like he usually is.

Zim started feeling oddly inspired. "Dog-suit, pig-head. Dib-stink, Gaz-um..."

"Mastah's thinking up poetry!"

"_Zim_ does not have time for filthy Earth _poetry!_"

But truly, Zim knew between Gir's insane mind and The-Fusion had to be something.

_It had to be kept for the next day_, Zim wanted to think when suddenly the entrance to his door was blasted off, and The-Fusion was standing there with the alien handcuffs, redesigned as a gaming system's joystick.

"Now, Zim. Say goodbye to your life as your mission is completely destroyed!" The-Fusion one moment was controlling the joystick to manipulate Gir, the other moment looking evil with the alien cuffs as she was going to show Zim who's boss here.

"The almighty _Zim_ commands The-Fusion to stop right now!"

"I have a name. And it isn't _The-Fusion_."

* * *

><p><em>Author's idiotisms: I was threatened, okay?<em>

_And also, even though she said she has a name, I hadn't thought of one, so suggestions are welcome. I might even give you a cameo in the story!_


	3. Request is Closed

_Author's idiotisms: Apparently this chapter somehow got replaced with the last chapter of Division of Doom, so I'll tell this: this chapter was supposed to say that Captain Cynthia's secondary suggestion won and you can stop submitting reviews._

_Not that it matters now._


	4. What Next?

_Author's idiotisms: I'm serious. I've started writing a new ficlet to reflect the retconned state of Empress Contine instead of this._

_Also, you have no idea how hard this character-_

"I have a name, okay?"

_Fine, you have no idea how hard Daz is to write for._

_Also also, positive reviews do not make me update faster, so stop trying._

* * *

><p>Daz Membrane looked over at Zim's house. Being a pure perfection in combining not only Dib's and Gaz's names, but also their personality traits, she would put down Zim's plans of conquering the Earth and adding it to an intergalactic empire. And not only that, but there was Zim's race to put down, so they would never come back.<p>

Putting a nice grin on her manufactured smile, Daz continued on destroying and saw as Zim flushed himself down the toilet. What a coward, she thought.

When suddenly a huge lawn gnome erected from the ground, forcing Daz right out with Zim ready to shoot her at any moment. She ran as fast as she could, from Zim's house to the Skool, but for the second half of the journey - to the Membrane apartment - she had lost all power, and had to stop for a rest.

She heard as one of the Skoolchildren shouted "Hey! It's half the crazy guy!" and aimed a dodge-ball at her, forcing her to try to run some more, but she knew that she couldn't, and had to give up.

She saw as the ball closed towards her. She knelt so she could avoid it within centimeters, and started, while being all exhausted, walking as fast as she could, away from the madness.

As she could not raise her head to see what lied ahead of her, she accidentally hit a certain other girl with a passion for drawing, with a drawing case she decorated herself with a picture of four penguins from her favorite TV show.

Cynthia was mildly confused that the girl who recently was admitted to Skool was somehow simultaneously two people who died in a car crash. "You're like a fusion?"

"I have a name, okay? Just because everyone deliberately avoids it, does not mean I don't have one." Daz, slowly regaining the power she somehow lost during one sentence, just further left for her house.

* * *

><p>"<em>Computer!<em> There is a new horrible threat to our mission. Memorize it-"

"You mean her."

"No, it. Dib and his sister were always two, it's only logical to consider _it_ manufactured, and the superior Irken grammar considers manufactured people "it", not "her". And besides, I hate... _it._ Her. _IT!_ It it it."

Zim returned to the extended undergound portion of his base. He needed to devise better lenses for his lawn gnomes' cameras, so that his new worst enemy couldn't get even close when suddenly the Tallest decided to check up on him, but instead of two of them there was one, and he seemed to be able to speak without moving his mouth.

"Hey Zim! Tallest Fuchsia speaking! We decided _your_ "from-two-to-one" idea was so cool we, that is to say I-"

"You're kidding, right?"

"Tallest Fuchsia" disappeared as if he was a hologram, and Red and Purple appeared from behind the camera's field of view, only to push the invisible man over and make him appear again. Then a thonk happened.

"I just cannot comprehend this." Zim said in a completely boring way looking at the scene. The Tallest didn't really care. All they cared about was their interstellar country's fate in general, not a single Invader who wasn't really even an Invader dealing with mad science of a hostile planet.

* * *

><p>"Daughter, you're back." What sounded like the Professor's voice, only robotic, greeted Daz into the room. Her father hadn't changed during the time the paranormal investigator and the gamer freak were "out". Still busy during every minute, and only taking his child on insanely special occasions. He was probably now exposing his new "project".<p>

After the sun set and the day ended, Daz went up to see what had left of the pair's bedrooms. As she expected, the wall between what was once two bedrooms was gone. She reordered the defenses to evenly spread across the one bedroom, put the two beds into one place and went to sleep.

The next day, Zim would be dead. After that... who knows? She might take up a hobby. Being a good daughter, learning science and mastering resurrection, maybe.


	5. Lesson Mishap

_Author's idiotisms: Andrew Hussie, I immediately command you to stop being a copycat of me. You couldn't have had the idea about Tavrisprite without reading this fic, could you? Would you?_

* * *

><p>The next day, Daz woke up in her room. She still had to fully comprehend the idea that she was now one, and acted accordingly: if the Dib part of Daz once would want to expose Zim on Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mystery and the Gaz part of Daz wanted to beat him up horribly, with Contine Overseer thinking <em>nothing<em> of the situation because she wasn't there, the one person that Daz was was forced into a dilemma. She just needed to go to Skool for a while, fully realizing a single personality, and then defeat Zim. And if he takes over the Earth before then, however implausible it is, she would need to survive in this little room for a while.

That said, Daz prepared for Skool by throwing in a book that didn't belong to the Skool curriculum, so that she wouldn't be completely bored and horrified by what Ms. Bitters had in store. She and her father exchanged pre-recorded "farewell" words and so Daz walked. She would never run after the incident with a lawn gnome, a dodge ball and four penguins.

At Skool, Ms. Bitters was completely puzzled by the "human fusion" concept, so instead of a high school lesson she started delivering an university lecture that only Daz and Zim listened to carefully, with the others planning on making her choke on a paper aeroplane, because you simply can't stay in Skool with such a horrible teacher for seven grades and remain sane and not murderous.

As I said, Ms. Bitters went on. "And such, the combinations of the genes that could unleash murderous doom have to be carefully chosen, because you don't want the resulting subject to have the Down syndrome or a similarly fatal disease. Each chromosome has to repeat only twice in the resulting subject." Even though she was sure she wasn't listened to, Ms. Bitters had to continue on, because the Skool regulations required her to speak all the time, so knowledge would be blindly fed into the students' brains, and be retrieved whenever a test came up.

As the lesson full of doom went on, it turned out Zim had a plan prepared so the doom lessons with the teacher and the manufactured _it_ would end. Two pages of his book, as he opened them, automatically folded themselves to paper aeroplanes and took off, one flying to Ms. Bitters and the other one to Daz. Zim slowly started to maniacally laugh so everyone gave him a weird look, but inside the Skoolchildren were glad that finally the lesson which lasted for hours and was never interrupted by the bell finally ended.

Daz reached for the aeroplane that was flying towards her and watched as it hit her hand and crumpled. "These are made from _actual paper_?" she had a voiced thought, refolded the plane and flew it towards the other plane, unsuccessfully aiming for the ever-babbling Ms. Bitters. As the two planes hit each other, they exploded and hit the floor, and everyone instinctively backed away. As the Skool caught on fire, the smoke detectors went off, spraying water everywhere and Zim's skin started burning. "Curse you Daz! I'll have the Tallest per-AHHHH!"

As he let out this last scream, the Irken went to standby mode. While Irkens didn't have to sleep, too much pain caused them to go to this mode, dictated by their electronic PAKs, and they would go back to normal if the conditions fixed themselves. However, if the PAK was to somehow detach, the Irken would never wake up.

"Hey, thanks for the narrative," Daz said turning to the Skool's security camera when I realized that Andrew Hussie had broken this story's fourth wall, allowing Tavrisprite to appear!

"The fourth wall must stay intact." I said and shut off the fanfic before the idea of shutdown for organisms leaked onto Betty Crocker products or something.


End file.
